Stuck in a loop

Once again, I am stuck in a loop. I know, I have blogged about this before. But this time I think it is more of an event thing. Sadly I have not resolved very much in my mind yet, so more often then not, I sit at the computer, log into my blog and just sit at the screen thinking of topics to write - and nothing happens. I could get as far as clicking "New Post" but I tend to just stare at the screen. I have saved a couple of blanks but now I just hit the "Close" button and move on. Perhaps in a few short weeks I can either find better words to articulate how I feel, or feel unhindered about posting what I feel on my blog again. I hope it is a really short wait.

Time and Emotions

I guess I am still in a state of shock. I'm not really sure how I am feeling. Or if I am allowed to feel, for that matter. I am a pretty private person, I don't like my personal stuff put out there for just anyone. I know, a comedic statement coming from a blog page, but it does not change the fact that I'm going to express how I feel, rather than post about the exact cause for my ponderings. I actually think I want to cry, but I don't. I instead feel the tears of my loved ones around me. I guess that's a way for me to deflect my reactions. In a lot of ways the act of crying would seem a selfish act on my part. And I don't feel I am allowed to let me be selfish. Probably not ever. Of course guilt plays a part in that too. I could not let my feelings run so a muck without harboring some guilt. Letting guilt go is the usually prescription given to friends, loved ones and patients. But it is another matter entirely when you feel you are the one who should be carrying the chains. Stubborness that seemed so important in the beginning, a righteous bandwagon you thought was the only way; it all looks like broken sticks in a playground when you realize how wrong you may have really been. And no amount of glue or tape is going to put that back the way it was. I guess I may not cry, at least for a while yet. I know I have quite a path to travel. Working on that guilt is going to be a task, but sometimes not backing down from a challenge is one of my worst traits. After I am done with that guilt, I may look into the reasoning between selfishness and taking care of ones self first. Again, a road in rocky terrain. But why set the bar there? Why not allow myself to feel and cry. That may be a sweet and tender goal yet. I would like to be there; if only to be there to realize how important it is for me to be there. Time is going to be the factor. "It is my feeling that Time ripens all things; With time all things are revealed; Time is the father of truth. ". I guess Time will be my friend after all.

Finding Myself, Trying to Learn the Dance

Spending the night finding myself. It always seems to happen when I listen to the Meditation music on my Pandora. Sometimes I feel outright robbed. I know it is silly and there is no one person to get mad at, but once in a while I have to sit there and wonder why do I have to look so hard without guidance to 'find myself?' I am half Eskimo. My mom is from Norton Sound and I think that is pretty damn awesome. I love my less than averageness. And lately I have been looking into the more spiritual part of that culture. Let me tell you, it is such a hard and solitary task. There is information out there, but pulling it together is an arduous task. I am a very spiritual person. And not tooting my own horn, but I have been exposed to a lot of different Christian beliefs. I have a basic understanding from some pretty interesting angles, and I love to learn. But I got curious about what spiritualism and religion would of been like for my Great-Great grandparents and the people before them. What would they have felt as a connection to each other, the powers that control the Earth and Spirits around them? What would of their connection been to the land and the animals on it? That's the hard questions. I have been trying to find and read books written prior to 1920 to get a feel for how half of my genetic make up would of lived as a spiritual people. A lot of what I am looking for was 'cleansed' by the reigning religious beliefs of the area. They (the priest, nuns and teachers) came in and wanted nothing but to help the poor and unknowing, to help them find the love and enlightenment that they believed was in the best interest of the people. How can anyone really fault them? They felt in their own hearts the love and good they were doing, I actually think that is great. What is sad is the fact that they felt they had to 'erase' anything they deemed pagan or heathen. And that is the sad loss. Spirit beliefs and being one with the land is such a big subject. It's an interesting point of view to say the least. I love it. But do I really have an idea of what people from my family's neck of the woods spiritual beliefs would of been? Some of the information lumps the Canadian Inuit, Russian Eskimo and Yup'ik (Southern Alaskan Eskimos) ideas with other areas of Alaska. I am sure it was such a foreign concept to the first European or Russian observers that it was hard for them to see the fine lines of division between one group and the next. I won't judge. But I do wish I could of had a better connection with those before me. I wish I could ask them the deep questions of why things are the way they are. And how I can best serve myself and others as I plod along in this existence? Maybe I am looking for someone to tell me what my dreams mean and how I can keep feeling like a properly behaved human? It really does not matter why I am looking for answers to these questions and the millions of others. What matters is the connection I feel I have with my family and ancestors, I suppose. Those who came before me are the ones who created the sculpture I see in the mirror every morning, whether I had met them or not. They are the ones who taught their son's how to provide for the family, or the daughters on how to care for the young. They were the stepping stone for what I am today. I don't really question if I am worthy to walk among the living Earth, I just would like to know the steps to this dance sometimes, to make it more beautiful than it is.

Crown for the Lady

A little Top Shelf Crown to a Lady I never met. I would like to meet you one day, but will humbly enjoy the gifts you left. Thank you.

Citizen Rules

I love to read and research, and with the advent of the Technology Age I am totally in love with the idea of so much information at my fingertips. But I guess if you really want to learn and have complete knowledge, you need to read about the not so fun and cool stuff. I read the Indian Citizenship Act of 1924. The text of the 1924 Indian Citizenship Act (43 U.S. Stats. At Large, Ch. 233, p. 253 (1924)) reads as follows: BE IT ENACTED by the Senate and house of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, That all non citizen Indians born within the territorial limits of the United States be, and they are hereby, declared to be citizens of the United States: Provided That the granting of such citizenship shall not in any manner impair or otherwise affect the right of any Indian to tribal or other property." Approved, June 2, 1924. June 2, 1924. [H. R. 6355.] [Public, No. 175.] SIXTY-EIGHTH CONGRESS. Sess. I. CHS. 233. 1924. See House Report No. 222, Certificates of Citizenship to Indians, 68th Congress, 1st Session, Feb. 22, 1924. Note: This statute has been codified in the United States Code at Title 8, Sec. 1401(b). It boils down to, anyone born before June 2, 1924 was not considered a citizen of the United States of America, even if you were indigenous population born on American soil. That means my wonderful grandfather, Thomas Sagoonick, was not considered a U.S. Citizen for a time. That thought sucks. I don't know how that would of affected his life, I truly hope it did not. I had always known there were people who believed that any race but their own, typically of Eastern European decent, were beneath them or lacked what they considered intelligence. And they either took it upon themselves to 'better' the poor things or made the world a better place for themselves by segregation, or separating, these 'lowly' individuals from themselves. Hey, you are allowed to think and live as you please, you create the balance in your life and have to deal with your own decisions in the end. People will be people. I am thankful that there were people around who found that making this act into law was an important thing. I am also glad they revised and completely fixed the inadequacies of this Act and made the Immigration Naturalization Act of 1940 to include the indigenous peoples as complete citizens, basically regardless of of age. Those people and groups are to be commended on their hard work and finding a voice and sticking to it to make the intentions of our Founding Fathers into real reasoning. It is mind boggling to me that on my most deeply rooted side of my family tree, at one point my family was only considered a two generation American. Because of words on a paper, and points made by people who were deemed important at one time or another. You would think that my native heritage would of given me a firm foothold in this country, but it does not. At least legally, and on paper. Maybe if people behaved more like they would of when their mother was standing over their shoulder things would of been different. Maybe not. Who knows? But I know this, I think if the world learned to embrace more and not fear or hate, this little blue speck could get light years ahead.

Nothing dumber than expectations

I'm gonna Bah Humbug, I'm allowed, right? Good....

Valentine's Day. Yup I'm gonna go medieval on it's hinny, so hold on.

 Stupidest day ever. Hands down, a complete farce and commercialized drivel. Created by card companies to pad the new year since Christmas is such a long way away. Restaurants get into this gig too, two person lovey dovey specials to make you look good in front of your significant other.  Flower companies might even be the worst, making Commercials that air for two weeks or longer that tell you what kind of idiot you are for not ordering your flowers earlier. All of it is so self serving, so money based it takes the good name of Love and covers it in chocolate dipped dollar bills and tries to tell you advice on how to live in a relationship.

The only redeeming grace I have ever found in this 'holiday' is when one of my adorable children walk up to me with a mischievous grin on their face, holding something precious and dear behind their back, as the say Happy Valentine's Day Mommy. Because I know that the pure and untainted love they have for me is poured out on that little construction paper heart that they created with their own two little hands. That, that is Love. And restaurants, card companies and even a florist can't create that kind of Love. It's so unexpected and real.

I think, perhaps that most of my problems centered around Valentine's Day is the expectations. Expectations ruin more things than can be told on a mere blog. They suck, their hurtful and in general something that should not be encouraged. But it happens, and well it sends me into a furry of frustration that makes it hard for me to deal with. Maybe one day when I really am a grown up I can let stupid things like this just not even be a factor, and when that day comes I hope I blog about it. So I can go back and read about how much I have grown. But as for now, I'm not there yet.

Love, Faith and Believing

I have a gripe. And it's made me upset enough that I think I want to write about it. This gripe has to do about children. Your children. Those little people you brought into the world. Whether it was by accident, on purpose, after years of trying, those little beings you brought into the world. And I don't mean just the work done by the mother to bring a child into the world, I mean the work by the father too. To know you are creating life, and you get to have someone so special as your very own, is priceless. I have felt that way about every one of my children. Like they were perfect beings who could do no wrong. I would move a mountain for my child. I mean that literally. If I was told to keep my child alive I would have to physically move a mountain I would. I would do it metaphorically too. I would do anything, ANYTHING for my child.

I have faith too. I believe. I believe in love. I believe in making things that are wrong, right. I believe in sacrifices to make others happy, because in the end I will be happy too. I believe in others. Others have assets and abilities I don't, and others can fill the voids and deficiencies I have. I believe others can be as kind and loving and sharing as is needed for any given situation. I believe everyone can obtain this. Sometimes though, it's this belief in others that hurts me the most. I am the ultimate cheerleader for the human race. I believe my fellow beings can strive for all this and more.

How are these gripes? How can these feelings be a cause for grief for me? Well, broadly, because of who I am and what I believe. I put myself out there and believe in people. I believe people can love their child so much they would move mountains for them. I believe that love can conquer all. What I forget is that I can not instill my will and my desires on others and cause them to have those beliefs that I hold dear and true. I can not make others be selfless and caring and put others, namely their own children ahead of them. I can't, and that sucks.

I was in a situation where I would of gladly and with joy in my heart, opened my home to children. I don't have much, I don't travel to extraordinary places on wondrous vacations every year. I don't have a fancy car that gets perfect gas mileage and fits everyone with ease. I count my money carefully and think about what needs to be purchased and what does not. But I would have take in those children and love them for who they are. Taught them right from wrong, and maybe a few moral lessons of life. And if I was lucky, I would have learned from them too. I would have of moved mountains for them. But it took an act of God to keep me from doing so. And suspect that God knows that was the only way for me to not do it. I looked at it as a "maybe there is a better plan out there than the one I wanted". It took me a few weeks to get over it. That sucked, but I did.

So here is little me, feeling so guilty and brokenhearted for not being able to add to my family. Then I realize that as willing and giving as I may be, both parents of these children are not. They are not 'moving mountains' for them. Why? I hurts my heart to think that question. Why would they not? Children love you purely and honestly and you can't do what ever is in your power for them? Why? It would have been better that I could have taken in these children, but that was not in the plan.

Is the plan now for Mommy and Daddy to wake up? Why do they have to be slapped in the face to wake up? Why can't they just see the most important part of this story now, looking them in the eyes and only showing them love and joy? That is what I am struggling with. Something so pure and beautiful as a child's love and the utter lack of selflessness to do what it takes to be there for your child. I can't grasp my mind around it and truthfully I am so glad I am unable to. I don't even want to go down a path like that to just understand the concept. But still here I sit, my heart breaking a little for something I can't change. Learning another lesson on life about love, faith and believing: a lesson I know is hard to take but important to know, keep believing in love and faith even if others don't, that in itself is the very reason.