Pandora's Box is Open

I have been in quiet a mood for a while! I think I am loving it, but it's all still new. I think it has something to do with my Pandora app on my phone and my BlueRay. I get to manually tune my mood to music. It's like thinking you have total control when you really don't LOL I favor the Ambient Station, I feel all comfy and relaxed, and then the thoughts and creativity flow. I had been a writing fool on that station for like a week! I had to take some time off for Thanksgiving, a day or two of extra babysitting time with the Grandkids and my birthday weekend, but when I haven't been busy, I have been busting out the groove in verbage. I love it!

Of course I tried an experiment tonight, I flipped on some Marilyn Manson and the like and pumped out a pretty heady and dark story, but it was freaking cool.

I had played some Lullaby Station for my grandson and my granddaughter and got them to sleep, it was awesome. Both of them seem to really love music and maybe I won't let mom or dad in on my secret weapon, so I can seem even more cool than my current coolness level.

This morning I did an impromptu dance session in the living room to some Too Close by Alex Clare... I was a complete swan, with no balance, sense of timing or even the right tutu, BUT I had fun and loved it. I rather enjoy letting the music have me and take me away on journeys, it's like a 5 minute vacation.

Plus I have been listening to bands like The Birthday Massacre, Escala, La Roux and my personal favorite Emilie Autumn. Oh yea, wait until I hit up the K-Pop, I am gonna rule the world!!

Happy Birthday Me, I am 42!

It's my birthday! I am 42!! YAY!

It does not bother me one bit that others know my age; I am not offended when you ask, I love it! I know people who color their hair, 'adjust' their birth-date or leave it off of Facebook, and all I can think is why fight it? Why not enjoy getting older? Did you know that you do more stuff as you get older? That's how I look at it. Of course I am almost the ultimate "glass half full" kind of person you would ever meet.

I like the idea of getting older, I have some goals I want to reach and they happen to be down the road a bit. Like, I will start getting old when I am 82. Yes, I planned it out, and yes I know that sometimes there is no real choice in the matter, but I don't want to be old before then. I want to do what ever I want and not be held back by a "I am too old for that" mentality. want to do stuff before I get old though. I want to play with Barbies again, but this time with granddaughters and they will have to clean the mess up and put them away. That is gonna be fun. I also want to find some fun hiking adventures too. One of those goals is to take a mountain hike on my birthday, THAT will be a blast.

On the flip side I am pretty sure I won't mind being old, I am gonna have a LOT of fun with that one, just ask my kids. I try to pull stuff now and I get the idea that I am not senile enough. I can't wait until I get to say stuff and get to watch the look on my children's faces as they try to recover from whatever I said. I think I should start the list now, so I can add a little "classic" to what I say. I want to do wacky things like wear a bucket on my head and carry around a garden rake and tell everyone I am protecting the castle from dragons. Who couldn't find me adorable after learning that, right?

Well I have a wonderful day planned, involving some cake made for me, kids surrounding me and grand-kids having a blast.

Thankfuls

I don't usually do the "I am thankful for..." thing on social media or blogging, not unless I think of something outrageously funny to say about it. My MO is to try to be thankful to those around me as much and often as possible, rather than save it up for one day a year. As it turns out on this wondrous morning I have decided to go outside my shell a bit. I would like to admit to "out there" what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my family. Everyone of them. The ones I see everyday and the ones I have only met once in my life or even just heard of, thank you. I am thankful for the family that I have chosen myself, those of you not of blood, in my heart you are family; you are an army of few but those of you I have chosen I have chosen because I need you; in your capacity and style, I need that quality I may lack or not understand, and you posses it, thank you. It's all of YOU who make me who I am today. You give me ideas and show me love, you let me love you and you tell me what you think. I think of myself as a diamond in the rough, but as I mature, I find I have many more facets than I had started out with. This is due to family.

I am thankful for my friends. My friends are the people I try my best to take them aside and show them compassion and hope. I always try my best to leave a positive word or just let you know that I listen to you. I may not hang out with you and run in your circles, but as often as I can, try to help you. I am thankful that I can make a person smile or give them a positive spin on a crazy bad day.

I am thankful for Nature. Many things that drive me is due to this whole wide world I live in. I take walks in the fall to smell the cottonwood leaves as they lay strew about the ground. I love the colors of the the sky from dawn to midday to dusk, even the color of space at night, I love it. I am thankful for the many creatures of the earth, such as the chickadees that eat at my bird feeder, or the Stellar Jay who cleans up the mess that has been tossed down to my yard. I am thankful for the lanky bovine that keep the tourist all in a twitter when they see them munching on branches and trees around town. I am thankful for the seasons of the year and what each of their jobs do for my surroundings.

I am thankful for the past-times I enjoy, to an obsessiveness. I could go on and on about softball and maybe even tell you things you never knew. Or I could enjoy a rousing fantasy based game because I enjoy the idea of of wielding swords or casting spells. I love, love, LOVE the Internet. From message boards of old to conversations done in real time with web cams in this fantastic day and age. It makes a lot possible that was only a dream when I was a child. I love writing, and blogging, both of which are pretty much connected completely to the Internet but I save my stories for myself to read when I want. I love music. Sometimes I have a song running in background in my head. It does not always fit things that are going on around me, but when I pick a song to play over and over it is there to give me a little bit of inner joy I don't have to share with anyone else.

I am thankful for me. This is not something I always tell myself, but once in a while I pour on the positive affirmations and just let'er rip, like now. I love how I think and process things. For me it's the journey of how I get to the conclusion, what I do to make the dots connect, not the end result. I love how I thirst for knowledge and do my best to feed it. I do act like a spoiled Now Generation kid when it comes to my questions demanding answers, but I know that I have other questions in the wings and I need to make room for them, lest they get bored and leave. I am thankful for how hard I try to love myself. It is a very tough job and I know I have failures and shortcomings regarding how I treat myself, but I work hard at trekking on. If I do well, I look back and give myself a quiet and short pat on the back.

One thing I may be most thankful for is my capacity to love. I wasn't going to write this or try to figure it out, but I find it is something that I want to try to express. I love as hard as I can, without conviction. I get hurt often, something I truly dislike. But I won't stop loving for fear of being hurt. I am thankful for that. It helps me try to understand others. It helps me try to see into their dark corners and just love them for who they are. They may not understand, or want my love, or even find it unacceptable but I am okay with that. I am thankful I can do something such as love with every fiber of my being and be satisfied that is all I want to do.

Boot Camp DVD

This was originally posted January 14th, 2008

I just watched the Graduation CD we bought for Alex's Boot Camp Graduation. It was nicely done, with a presentation that gave us a great idea on what our recruits go through all the way during Boot Camp to watching some kids eating their Warrior Breakfast after the crucible.
It was scary to see how much they are yelled at, why they are yelled at, and who is doing the yelling. I know the reason behind all breaking down the recruits. They have to be built up to be Marines. I am okay with that; otherwise they would not produce the people they need to do the work they do. Still as a parent, you wonder if the way that kid was reacting was the same way your kid was reacting when she was being yelled at for not locking her footlocker right, or not completing a task quick enough.
What I did love, but also found irritating at the same time, was the footage actually shot of my daughter's platoon for her Emblem Ceremony. This is the ceremony where they receive their Eagle Globe and Anchor Emblem and are welcomed as full fledged Marines into the Corp fold.
It was beautiful to see proud young men and women crying at their accomplishment. The pentacle of all their hard work as it comes to fruition. You get to hear them sniffling, and watch their faces twitch as their tears dried on their checks and made them want to wipe them away or scratch them, but the total self-control they exhibited in not doing so. Watching the look in their eyes as they stare into their Drill Instructors eyes as they are handed their emblem, given a handshake and being told they have been brought into a Brother and Sisterhood for life.
While watching this, I kept searching and searching for my daughter's familiar face. Minute after minute, even to the point of pausing and using slow motion to see if I can find her in a quick pan. Catching only a glimpse of an ear, or profile of her face from a distance, or that shot of the bun in the back of her head that survived her 52 hour Crucible Ordeal.
As I watched every inch of that footage, I got mad at the cameraman for shooting 15 freaking minutes of the same stupid girl in standard issued glasses crying, when he could of been searching the crowd for me so I can see my daughter at one of the MOST defining moments in my child's life.
After watching for what seemed like forever, fuming and just getting more upset, I finished the movie and laid down. Then I cried. I cried because I truly miss her. I feel a little (or a big, as it felt at the moment) corner of my heart had broken off. I have friends who think I am worried (yes I am a worrywart) but I truly know that was not why I was crying as I lay in my bed. I knew that I completely and totally missed her physical presence right here next to me. I let the tears roll off my face in continual waves knowing that this fit of tears would pass even if the feeling of loneliness wouldn't.
She has been there with me through everything in my adult life, because she was there the moment I became an adult. Maybe not a completely responsible, financially stable, highly educated adult, but I was an adult from the moment I held her in my arms in the hospital. I knew that this little life depended on me to love her and care for her and teach her the best I know how, to live in this life.
And in turn I was there for her biggest moments in life, her first Holiday Concert for kindergarten, her first band concert, her tromp through all the teams from Anchorage for a bid in the All-Star Softball Tournament, her first hair coloring, her last band concert, high school graduation...to being the last family member she sees at the airport before leaving for the Marine Corp.
I know the Emblem Ceremony was such an internal victory and profound finding of oneself, but I would of been so satisfied to see the look in her eyes, the look I expected from the person I know better then she realizes. I know now I can't be there for everything, that she gets to keep her own big moments in life her own, but I am still learning this. I will sit back and imagine the look in her eye, the steely stare in straightforward attention and the tears on her face that wash her slate clean and set her up for this new part of her life.
I know that I can do that. I just wish that knowing this would help the loneliness in my heart...

Twinkies... Manna from heaven!

Ahhh the latest and greatest from one of the most advanced civilizations to grace the Earth, the possibility of the demise of Twinkies. I am actually very saddened that so many are losing jobs, and stores will be closing. In short, it really sucks. After losing our yearly income this last summer I need something funny, so this disclaimer being said, here goes.

It has been amusing to see the general public's reaction to the loss of this uniquely American treat. I have not touched the stuff since I learned to read ingredient labels, sometime between junior high and my 4th child, I get confused as to when I learned this skill, both events seemingly happening within mere months.

One, by the third sugar ingredient I figured, maybe it's not something I wanna feed myself or my kids. I mean, I feel bad adding sugar to my cereal, thinking that is over kill. Two, when I got to the second kind of fat in the ingredient list my little worry bells went off. Who uses beef fat in processed foods anymore anyways? Apparently Hostess does. And three, not only do the ingredients scare me, but the simple fact that you eat the first one and BAM! it's gone, that scares me..

You don't even remember chewing it, and it's completely devoured. You know the dog didn't eat it because you don't have a dog. At least this is how I feel. Then I would look around, making sure there isn't any persons of a magical nature waiting for me to eat the second one just to make it vanish. I would deliberately try to take slow bites and savor the filling. Most of the time, I do remember eating the second one but I also remember something else. I remember how sticky and greasy the little suckers are too. I mean how weird is that, you either eat something greasy like a pizza or something sticky like honey, not something with both tactile sensations at once. THAT is bizarre if you ask me, truly.

Aside from the strangeness of Twinkies, they have a kind of power. I mean I spelled it out about how the first one is ingested without thought, or even action; it just appears in your stomach with no effort from the consuming human. That kind of power should be awe inspiring, but it does not stop there. The real power, can, even in the most minute quantities, get a teenager to do physical labor. Seriously, it can! You guffaw?  You snort in derision? Test it, I say. Try it out!

Get yourself an fairly healthy looking teenager, your own is preferable, then the neighbors won't call the cops on you. If you have to borrow one, please get the parents permission and I would sign some releases and such, just to prove you are not a crazy nut feeding snack treats to random mini-adults and be labeled an insane person. Okay, now that you have your handy human-in-training, you ask them to do some sort of strenuous or other undesirable labor that most adults can muddle through and not die from; like shoveling snow or taking the trash out. At most, you might get an excuse about an injured arm or a desperate need to do homework that is not due for a few more weeks; the subject knows very well they are going to put it off until the night before turning it in anyways. In the least, you will get an eye-roll, especially if you brought this being into the world. I recommend rolling those eyes right back at the subject, as they will need them for the next part of the experiment.

But if you take the SAME teenager and offer them a Twinkie, all you see are the cartoon clouds that spin chairs previously containing persons with no will to move. It would be a comical moment, if you were not being serious and conducting an experiment. It is less funny when you are using your own child for this test. You will ponder why you didn't try this earlier, then you like me, read the ingredients at one point and remember something about clogging arteries of children is frowned upon in most civilized societies.

I know this experiment sounds amazing, but really it is worth a try. And then after you see proven results, you can go horde your own collection of Twinkies. You never know when you want to redo the siding on your house or have to tear up and repair the yard for some underground sprinkler upgrades.

Rumble in the Jumble

I haven't written in forever. Well, forever in my little world. But I do that. I have spurts of 'gotta get it on paper' and then I have these long dry spells with nothing to add. I usually want to write when I am feeling overly silly or creative. It's not often I write due to the more common emotions of sadness, anger or love. I tend to be a rather private person about that stuff. I do use my silliness and humor to bounce off those common feelings, to sorta get over it and move on. I like to that I have been busy, though I may not really be. Busy people don't play 5+ hours of phone games a day, do they?

Any-hoo, I am feeling a little melancholy at the moment. I think it is a jumble of things that add to it. First and foremost is the weather. I love that we have mostly white on the ground, but really a couple inches before Thanksgiving is not going to cut it. I have seen snow like that blow away and reveal the lifeless brown grass underneath many a time. I need a good snow, the kind that gives a blanket to my world. Cleans it up, so to speak. Most people think Spring is the season for new beginnings, I say Winter is. It cleans up the world, gives her a new identity. You can plainly see her beautiful flaws and perfect landscapes. There is no practical hiding in Winter. In many ways it is such a warm and comforting season. You can snuggle close a your babe in your arms, sipping hot cocoa and reading a book as easily as you can take a walk to the edge of civilization and take perfect postcard pictures. Yea, I love Winter, a lot. But it's not Winter without the snow. I need more.

To add to my jumble is family. Oh, yes, that joyous conglomeration of people you either created or who created you, the ones you add on your own and those who seem to just drop in like a puzzle piece when you least expect it. Family is almost always a mixed bag. But always an important bag. I am constantly striving to please a parent, and fight that feeling that I need to please other humans with insane perfection. I am always trying to best a sibling, but show love and compassion like only a sibling can. I am always trying to parent children, even if they are adults, not an easy job. I never thought you would have to worry about adult children almost as much as you worry about them as kids. The plus side is I am on the cusp of Teenagerland at the moment, it's been a nice break. I had been the mom of a teenager(s) for 12 years...THAT is like forever in Parentingland and the break I have had in the last 10 months has been sorta nice. And the ones that are added in, they seem to make life that much more interesting. They make you want to cry and laugh, pull your hair out and beat the crap outta them, or they just make you feel that extra bit special. I love my extras, I would not trade them for the world.

I have the normal family craziness, but I decided that was not enough. I decided that I wanted to add more. In a past life I might have run an orphanage or boarding school, that would make sense to me and explain why I keep wanting to add to my brood. I am in the process of seeing if I can foster my cousin's daughters. I am pretty excited and happy about it but, I am also nervous. I know their life has not been the easiest nor the most normal (who is to say what is normal right? But I think they may have more abnormal then any child deserves). I worry that I could just make life more difficult for them, I like rules and weirdness. Creativity and silliness. Trying to be normal and then making it all fit around my idea of fun. I am not sure what I like to teach and create is something they would enjoy, if that makes any sense. Oh, I know, I am a good parent. I love kids, I love mentoring and teaching. But I think being a little nervous gives me an edge to stay on task. I guess I get to see how this adventure works out.

Holidays, oh yes holidays. The time where I like to add a little crazy to my craziness and see what happens. One Thanksgiving I threw a temper tantrum. No I didn't stomp my feet but I think dumping out the gravy in the sink and yelling was a little over the top. There was that Christmas where I was snarling at everyone and everything while wrapping presents at 3am but I think that is acceptable behavior for crazy people, right? Well I got Thanksgiving around the corner and I don't have plans, food or the house ready for it. I am not sure what to do. It is not the worst of my worries, and most likely one of the easiest to fix. I have having dinner at my house so I can get oodles of extra to live off of for a week.

I have been going through my own inner turmoil as well. Sometimes I feel as if I am standing on the edge of something great, something bigger than myself. Being able to see for miles in any given direction but no real idea of what direction I should go. I think the biggest part of this is the fact that I know I have choices. Knowing you can go in any direction is empowering, invigorating, and a bit scary. I could start new adventures, meet new people, do new things at any turn I choose. I tend to like to plan out stuff and know how things are going to happen, but most of these choices are complete mysteries to me. And wonderfully enough I think I am ready for adventure. But I do not feel the need to make a move right now. And that's okay too. I have a lot of patience, and I don't mind practicing that.

At any rate, enough babbling, maybe now I can find a way to write something creatively and post it on the other blog. Happy November

Flip sides

Here is a blog I follow. I met this guy roughly 2 years ago. He is a great guy, fun to be around, easy to talk to. He is also rather opinionated, but that is okay, you allowed that as a human being. Since I know him I get to see the back story to his blog posts, somethings are not always beautiful to behold. Like his story. It is sad, and I have cried about it, but mostly, I just keeping telling him I am his friend and I am there for him. If you want to read a couple of his posts, or follow his blog. He updates it when he can, or if the mood hits him hard enough. And sometimes I think he just wants to know that he is not alone.

http://abovethelower48.blogspot.com/2012/11/0-0-1-961-3960-full-sail-60-2-4919-14.html