Boot Camp DVD

This was originally posted January 14th, 2008

I just watched the Graduation CD we bought for Alex's Boot Camp Graduation. It was nicely done, with a presentation that gave us a great idea on what our recruits go through all the way during Boot Camp to watching some kids eating their Warrior Breakfast after the crucible.
It was scary to see how much they are yelled at, why they are yelled at, and who is doing the yelling. I know the reason behind all breaking down the recruits. They have to be built up to be Marines. I am okay with that; otherwise they would not produce the people they need to do the work they do. Still as a parent, you wonder if the way that kid was reacting was the same way your kid was reacting when she was being yelled at for not locking her footlocker right, or not completing a task quick enough.
What I did love, but also found irritating at the same time, was the footage actually shot of my daughter's platoon for her Emblem Ceremony. This is the ceremony where they receive their Eagle Globe and Anchor Emblem and are welcomed as full fledged Marines into the Corp fold.
It was beautiful to see proud young men and women crying at their accomplishment. The pentacle of all their hard work as it comes to fruition. You get to hear them sniffling, and watch their faces twitch as their tears dried on their checks and made them want to wipe them away or scratch them, but the total self-control they exhibited in not doing so. Watching the look in their eyes as they stare into their Drill Instructors eyes as they are handed their emblem, given a handshake and being told they have been brought into a Brother and Sisterhood for life.
While watching this, I kept searching and searching for my daughter's familiar face. Minute after minute, even to the point of pausing and using slow motion to see if I can find her in a quick pan. Catching only a glimpse of an ear, or profile of her face from a distance, or that shot of the bun in the back of her head that survived her 52 hour Crucible Ordeal.
As I watched every inch of that footage, I got mad at the cameraman for shooting 15 freaking minutes of the same stupid girl in standard issued glasses crying, when he could of been searching the crowd for me so I can see my daughter at one of the MOST defining moments in my child's life.
After watching for what seemed like forever, fuming and just getting more upset, I finished the movie and laid down. Then I cried. I cried because I truly miss her. I feel a little (or a big, as it felt at the moment) corner of my heart had broken off. I have friends who think I am worried (yes I am a worrywart) but I truly know that was not why I was crying as I lay in my bed. I knew that I completely and totally missed her physical presence right here next to me. I let the tears roll off my face in continual waves knowing that this fit of tears would pass even if the feeling of loneliness wouldn't.
She has been there with me through everything in my adult life, because she was there the moment I became an adult. Maybe not a completely responsible, financially stable, highly educated adult, but I was an adult from the moment I held her in my arms in the hospital. I knew that this little life depended on me to love her and care for her and teach her the best I know how, to live in this life.
And in turn I was there for her biggest moments in life, her first Holiday Concert for kindergarten, her first band concert, her tromp through all the teams from Anchorage for a bid in the All-Star Softball Tournament, her first hair coloring, her last band concert, high school graduation...to being the last family member she sees at the airport before leaving for the Marine Corp.
I know the Emblem Ceremony was such an internal victory and profound finding of oneself, but I would of been so satisfied to see the look in her eyes, the look I expected from the person I know better then she realizes. I know now I can't be there for everything, that she gets to keep her own big moments in life her own, but I am still learning this. I will sit back and imagine the look in her eye, the steely stare in straightforward attention and the tears on her face that wash her slate clean and set her up for this new part of her life.
I know that I can do that. I just wish that knowing this would help the loneliness in my heart...