Love, Faith and Believing

I have a gripe. And it's made me upset enough that I think I want to write about it. This gripe has to do about children. Your children. Those little people you brought into the world. Whether it was by accident, on purpose, after years of trying, those little beings you brought into the world. And I don't mean just the work done by the mother to bring a child into the world, I mean the work by the father too. To know you are creating life, and you get to have someone so special as your very own, is priceless. I have felt that way about every one of my children. Like they were perfect beings who could do no wrong. I would move a mountain for my child. I mean that literally. If I was told to keep my child alive I would have to physically move a mountain I would. I would do it metaphorically too. I would do anything, ANYTHING for my child.

I have faith too. I believe. I believe in love. I believe in making things that are wrong, right. I believe in sacrifices to make others happy, because in the end I will be happy too. I believe in others. Others have assets and abilities I don't, and others can fill the voids and deficiencies I have. I believe others can be as kind and loving and sharing as is needed for any given situation. I believe everyone can obtain this. Sometimes though, it's this belief in others that hurts me the most. I am the ultimate cheerleader for the human race. I believe my fellow beings can strive for all this and more.

How are these gripes? How can these feelings be a cause for grief for me? Well, broadly, because of who I am and what I believe. I put myself out there and believe in people. I believe people can love their child so much they would move mountains for them. I believe that love can conquer all. What I forget is that I can not instill my will and my desires on others and cause them to have those beliefs that I hold dear and true. I can not make others be selfless and caring and put others, namely their own children ahead of them. I can't, and that sucks.

I was in a situation where I would of gladly and with joy in my heart, opened my home to children. I don't have much, I don't travel to extraordinary places on wondrous vacations every year. I don't have a fancy car that gets perfect gas mileage and fits everyone with ease. I count my money carefully and think about what needs to be purchased and what does not. But I would have take in those children and love them for who they are. Taught them right from wrong, and maybe a few moral lessons of life. And if I was lucky, I would have learned from them too. I would have of moved mountains for them. But it took an act of God to keep me from doing so. And suspect that God knows that was the only way for me to not do it. I looked at it as a "maybe there is a better plan out there than the one I wanted". It took me a few weeks to get over it. That sucked, but I did.

So here is little me, feeling so guilty and brokenhearted for not being able to add to my family. Then I realize that as willing and giving as I may be, both parents of these children are not. They are not 'moving mountains' for them. Why? I hurts my heart to think that question. Why would they not? Children love you purely and honestly and you can't do what ever is in your power for them? Why? It would have been better that I could have taken in these children, but that was not in the plan.

Is the plan now for Mommy and Daddy to wake up? Why do they have to be slapped in the face to wake up? Why can't they just see the most important part of this story now, looking them in the eyes and only showing them love and joy? That is what I am struggling with. Something so pure and beautiful as a child's love and the utter lack of selflessness to do what it takes to be there for your child. I can't grasp my mind around it and truthfully I am so glad I am unable to. I don't even want to go down a path like that to just understand the concept. But still here I sit, my heart breaking a little for something I can't change. Learning another lesson on life about love, faith and believing: a lesson I know is hard to take but important to know, keep believing in love and faith even if others don't, that in itself is the very reason.

Recharging!

Today is Thursday. It's Thursday and my batteries are completely run down. I felt this way by Tuesday, but it was not even close to the end of the week and just kept pushing.

I had a super sick Grandson sent to the emergency room on Monday, along with juggling an appointment for my teenager, and driving my eldest son around on a paper gathering mission. I pushed off a meeting with my ParaBoss to top it off. That was Monday.

Tuesday, I was able to slow it down a little. That pushed off meeting with the ParaBoss, cleaning, and cleaning then some more cleaning. We had some missionaries over for dinner, so I whipped up 2 veggie dishes. Thank goodness George did the steak and mashed potatoes, I was freaking out over the orange carrots.

Wednesday I had planned on doing some nice quiet research in the library and maybe even sleep in a little: wrong. I woke up to my oldest son's phone alarm and grand-kids running around the house. After repeated attempts to wake him, I resigned myself to just taking care of the little boogers. I love them dearly but they get into mischief at lightening speed and spankings tend to ensue, making me feel like a very bad grandmother. So with my plans of a quiet afternoon researching dashed on the rocks of despair, I had hoped that I could find a small bit rest. My daughter came over with the other two grand-kids  It was not a bad night, I do love the little creepy crawly grandson, he has blue eyes and I am a sucker for blue eyes. I did get to watch my Ghost Hunters and kick back a bit. My daughter made dinner and I got to even visit with my youngest daughter! Maybe not such a bad thing, but chasing the infant around makes one tired.

Today is Thursday. I started the day deciding that I was not going to do as much as the last 3 days, I bolted out of the house after making sure my son was awake to take care of those wonderfully energetic grand-kids. I dragged my husband to the library. I had set a time limit of 2pm for the information I was looking for. I didn't find what I wanted, bummer but I got to go hang out at Loussac, I just love the Alaska Section! Thinking it would be nice slow day, my son's request for a ride to get more paper work done was important but draining again. I had the kids in the car with me while he spent an hour getting medical records and then I spent two toddler bathroom trips while he got his billing information taken care of. Thank goodness they took a nap, but driving 3 circles around downtown, oy.

I know, these lists look small, a little boring and sorta "so what", what I am not telling in the highlighting is the dishes, breakfast and lunch for toddlers, regular cleaning, hounding my kids about homework and shoveling and doing other chores, helping the husband with odd tasks, making sure we have dinner and other groceries on hand, paying attention to my kids, fun time with the toddlers and some time I have been making an effort of making for researching at home. Every day. I am not whining, just fluffing out the rest of the day for ya.

I caught a break tonight. My husband started up the grilled cheese dinner and I got to sit and eat. Until the toddlers started to fight. I blew up instead of running back to stop WWIII and ate my sandwich. Then locked myself in my room. I gave myself a girl night. I have not spent more than 20 minutes outside of this room for the last 6 hours. I did everything from eyebrow shaping to, putting on make-up for a new Facebook picture. It was great! I even got a couple cups of hot tea delivered. And wonderfully, two loads of dishes finished up.

Maybe tomorrow I can click my heels together and take a mini vacation to Oz ;)

Everything and Nothing

I feel restless tonight. It's been a fairly interesting week with some crazy highs and insane lows. And it's only Tuesday.

I did some silly writing and have been struggling with anything creative. I have been having fun and worrying like only a mother can. I feel so wanted, appreciated and I feel so ignored. I have felt completely shocked and caught unawares. I have also felt I like I have a complete and knowing understanding.

I can understand why I feel so restless, but I don't I mind. I get to explore my own thoughts and questions and find out new ideas every day. And I love it. I also get to rely on some of my tried and true tricks.

I know this post does not say much, but use your imagination and maybe it will speak the volumes I feel.

My "BIG" Chance

Here it is, I had that chance. You know, that 'big, once in a lifetime chance" we all get at some point in our lives? Oh, it happens to everyone, trust me.

Anyways, my big chance was to enter the life of a reality TV personality! Yes, little 'ole me. I had a phone interview, then I got a Skype interview. It was pretty exciting actually. I was glad I happened on the Skype interview, I didn't feel I did well over the phone, I will explain that one in a few moments. But yes, it was pretty exciting to have someone consider putting me on TV to entertain the masses, just like I do here, but possibly with at least 5 more people to entertain.

I am not sure if a camera would love me as much as a computer and screen though. I don't feel I am the 'photogenic' type. I let my baby sis take that job *wheetwhew* I let her get the brains too, but I kept all the funny sense of humor stuff to myself! HA! Yes, I realize I don't get to choose these things but it is fun to imagine them in my head, gives me a sense of power I know I don't really have. I didn't like my phone interview due to the fact that I am a people person. And I like to read facial expressions and hear the tone of their voice to really get a good conversation out of a person. If I can read you like a book, I can get you what you want faster, therefore make you happier and make me feel on top of the world.

But reality TV, the big American dream. I mean, come on, isn't that most people's dreams; to have their lives laid out for all to see? And get paid for it. Who can't love the idea of you losing your cool when something does not go right? And get  paid for that too! Yea, I sound like maybe it was not a good idea, but you never know until you try it.

Hehe, sadly I had spent the last two days moping about it after I heard I was not picked to be on the show. And I did try, trust me. I tried in all my sad little ways to become interesting. The producers, I can only surmise didn't want be because I could not be Mystical enough for them, that and I am too nice. Yup, you can be too nice.

To help you understand better, I will give you a little back story.

I joined a paranormal group last November. I flaunted some of my handy dandy research skills to use the computer for more information. It earned me a title in the office as the "Computer Guru" and "Computer Wiz Kid"  I could pull any manner of random or specified information and BAM! give them references with it if they wished. Everything from home remedies for the common cold to what that volcano in Iceland is really doing right now?

Well I joined the team to do some research and not one month later they get an offer to be on a pilot for a paranormal show. I don't claim an psychic abilities or any actual paranormal encounters, but I believe there is more out there than just us and what we have, and I want to see the proof of it. Why wouldn't a nice Alaskan gal like myself win a spot on such a cool themed show idea?


The Mystical part? Yes, I said Mystical. Trying for a spot on the pilot for an Alaskan based Paranormal show, I had a feeling each time she asked me about native stories and my beliefs she would of parted the Gulf of Alaska to get me over to her office to sign papers to be on the pilot of her show. If I had just fibbed that I used animal blood in sacred rituals or communed with ancestors over a smoldering fire while chanting ancient words, I know I would of been a shoe in. But I didn't. I could not help but tell her how city-fied I am. Born and raised in the largest city in the state. I like 24 hour convince stores. I know how to bowl. I can eat sushi with chopsticks. But I could not fib to fluff my 'personal resume'. And I am okay with that.

They don't want shows about honest gals who tell the truth, mostly. Or shows about people who want to make you feel better about yourself and just happens to be a nearly unique ethnic group. They want stuff that sells, like pregnant teenagers or women who have 20 children at once. I am happy enough to set about each day knowing I don't have to remember back stories so I can keep my lies straight; that I don't have to dress in clothes I don't find comfortable but need to wear or others won't recognize me for who they think I am. I am pretty chipper I don't have to let people into my head or heart just because someone thinks it will buy a bigger audience group. Yup, I am pretty okay with just being me and who I am and what I do on a day to day basis.

About this being my biggest chance...? I highly doubt it. There may be a person or two out there who are jealous, but don't be. Like I said before everyone gets a 'big, once in a lifetime chance'. You just have to keep your mind and heart open for those opportunities, and see them for what they really are. I think my once in a lifetime chance is really when I joined this group. I get to meet people who are opened minded and believe and are willing to learn. People who want to work with me on a daily, weekly or just monthly basis for a common goal. The TV show was not my once in a lifetime chance, it was just a possible adventure that may or may not of been cool. My real treasure is the adventure of learning and other people in my life; thank goodness I am not Mystical, huh?

20 Ways To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

20 Ways to maintain a health level of insanity:

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars; see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom, don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone ask you to do something, ask if the want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For smuggling diamonds"

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the Prophecy".

8  Dont use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk

10. Order the diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "To go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital. And ask "Why the poems didn't rhyme?".

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!".

18. When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!!".

19. Tell your children over dinner "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity... Share this message with someone and make them smile.

Sleeping in

Don't you love those mornings where you get to sleep in? I know I do, they are so relaxing and they seem to take their time. Nothing feels rushed or urgent, ahhh sweet Nirvana. It's at this point I wake up and look at the time on my phone, 5:40am. Yup, didn't sleep in again!

I am suppose to be up at 8am every weekday. I make sure the youngest has himself awake and conscience enough to find clothes that don't smell offensive and most of his winter gear find-able. I don't mind 8 in the morning, it's a good time of day to be sure. Some neat shows on TV can be found, it's quiet enough to just putz around on a computer, I can organize my day a little. It's great. I would rather wake up for my day at 9am but hey, what's an extra hour? What seems to happen about half the time however, is I wake up sometime between the 40 minutes it takes me to fall asleep at 1am and 6:30am, and by that range I mean my eyes pop open at 6:29 more often than not.

It's worse on days I know and plan on sleeping in, of course. On those days, I shoot for an whopping 11am laz-fest! Yea, right. I am up by 8, guaranteed. *sigh* I feel like Charlie Brown, as he is running up to that Football Lucy is holding, just knowing this time, yes this time, the ball will be there when I swing my foot to kick it. THUD!

Well Lucy, just to let you know. I would trust you. I know I would. I would be that Charlie Brown kid knowing that just this time, you will let me sleep in. But knowing I have a small edge of realism and doubt, I would bet money you will pull that damn ball away. I am just egging you on so I can get more stuff done. Zzzzz

Writing about myself

I have been watching my posts on both my blogs, http://duplicaterighting.blogspot.com/ and this one of course. I have been watching to see how many posts I put on each and comparing them, adding more on one when I feel the other is getting too far ahead. And I have come to a conclusion, I much prefer to write creatively than about myself or my silly thoughts.

I must be a little entertaining, people from my work places and friends in my life love to chat with me in person, so I am sure I am an okay read. But I find it hard to put myself out there. I don't feel that the humdrum stuff in my life would be any fun to read. No matter how I try to spin it, and obviously I don't get very deep, very often. I am shy about putting myself out there. I don't want to be judged or ridiculed, as most people don't. Of course I could learn to not care what others think, but somehow I don't think that is in my programming and it would be something that I would have to learn to do. And I believe I am okay with that at this point. The caring does allow me to help others, I love that so very dearly.

All this said, I need to make more of an effort of adding to this blog. My hope is have a better understanding of myself and learn a thing or two. And to make sure I don't let my creativeness run-a-muck and over power my self. :)

Evilness

Every once in a while I just wanna do something so dang evil! Doesn't everyone? I mean to just let go and lash out, all unsuspecting and unwarranted like... That sounds like fun sometimes. I think you have to have some sort of predisposition for it, but it maybe fun to try it out. If you don't like it, you don't have to sign up for the yearly subscription of Predisposition for Evilness. I mean, it may be a nice deal!

Why be mean and evil? I say why not? Don't you run into people who are mean, hateful and just touched with evil? They look like they are having fun, why can't we just go check it out too? Of course, I am assuming everyone who has read this blog (or not) is sweet, angelic and pretty much not from the dark-side  It's a mighty big assumption, but it makes my world easier to imagine, so we are just going to go with it.

Oh, and what kind of evil thing do you think I want to do? I am not much in a fight, I got home from school the one time someone called me out at school. I could try out some road rage, I am getting better at anonymously trying to cut people off, but I need to work on my stopping short and bird flipping. Of course, from what I see most people do their fair share of road rage, I may not be striving for some really good pure evilness from my list.

I want to think it's a great thing and now that I am sitting down thinking about what I can do, it does not sound entirely like too much fun.

I just may not be cut out to be mean and evil no matter how much fun or entertaining it may look, maybe I can just sit back and keep imagining the little scenarios in my head that I think are filled with meanness and call it a day.