Hate. It is a very strong word. I really try not to use it unless I know the feeling is very appropriate. I hated the Brussels sprouts I had when I was a kid. They tasted like dirt, I didn't want to even pretend to like them. Not even to make my mom happy.
The opposite of hate is, love. Also a very strong word. I try not to use that unless I mean it too. I love my kids, I love the movie Wizard of Oz.
Am I suppose to find a balance between the two? I don't feel I can have one without the other. It seems we are taught from a young age to love. Be nice, be fair, be kind. Most childhoods don't involve cultivating hatred or other negative discord. But surprisingly enough, it is hard to love everything.
There are people I strongly dislike, I don't hate them, but it is so very difficult for me to like them. My upbringing says I should just love them. Oh isn't that just craziness. Some sort of impossible dream? Whether I think it worth it or not, I should love, in some manner, others no matter if I think them worthy of that love or not. At least that is what I was raise to believe.
I might be a good sponsor for brotherly love, and universal peace, and happiness; sometimes I think people who know me try to tell me I am very kind and loving. But I never think I will ever be perfect enough to do a job like that. Not that there is a job out there like that. That being said, I feel flawed.
Flawed in the fact that I find it very hard to love myself. I even think to myself that I hate me. After thinking it over, that is not an appropriate use of that feeling. But I feel like I want to keep trying to figure out a way to make it fit. Tell myself all the awful and horrible things I have done to others and myself in my past. Knock myself off my high horse and face the truth that I am not a worthy human being.
Maybe because I think I have to be a shining knight on a white horse, it is hard for me to deal with my own personal discord? I may never find the perfect answer, but maybe if I think this over and search my inner feelings I can find a balance in myself. Maybe
Friday, March 30, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Turning Back Time
Well damn it, it's been 6 days since I last posted. I should be ashamed. But to my credit I have been super busy. My best bud, Jamie from high school swung through the city on his way to his dad's place, on the Kenai Peninsula.
It was a total whirlwind adventure. I got some stoic stares from the husband who can't handle my wild nature as regaled him with stories of how I buzzed around town with Jamie. It was like being in high school in a quasi haze with less hair and larger waist lines. Oh, and I'm not dis'in my friend, I was referring to myself LOL
I actually got to see him firstly with an accidental text message. He asked me at 1:00am if it was too late to visit. I was thinking it's too fricking late, I need sleep but didn't really word that text to say "please stay away". I am really glad I didn't. He stayed from 1:30 to 3:30 and we got to catch up uninterrupted by phone calls or kids wandering by with the odd question or showing off their stuff.
After a little bit of sleep, he came and picked me up and off we went. We had lunch at a pizza pub with some friends from high school the first day. His poor 21 year old daughter felt a bit out of the loop listening to us talk about people she will probably never meet, doing crazy things she didn't think we could imagine doing. Sometimes youth is wasted on the young.
After lunch, Jamie and I hung out at my house and we got to chat about his work some more and then he invited me to dinner with one of the gals we had lunch with and her kids at an all you can eat buffet. That was fun too, but mostly because we were teasing the teenagers and picking on Jamie. It was pretty much awesome, except the cricket on the table. Needless to say, I am not going back there for a while...
After dinner, Jamie graciously drove me over to my son's apartment so I could check on him. Just a mom worried about her adult child with a sinus infection. Then he drove around looking for apartment he used to live in. Which by the way, he did a good job of finding most of them. He did this last time he was in town. Looking at old haunts, remembering memories.
On the way home we even stopped by a lake that a whole group of us used to walk around after curfew on summer nights. Being teenagers and thinking we were all that. The lake was frozen so I got to stand in a spot I know I had not been before. If there were magical skates I would of stayed out all night skating under the stars.
The next day, he had to go visit his dad, the reason he is up here from the Lower 48. The cool thing though, is that I know he will be swinging by on his way out of the state and I might get to carousing with my youth again.
It was a total whirlwind adventure. I got some stoic stares from the husband who can't handle my wild nature as regaled him with stories of how I buzzed around town with Jamie. It was like being in high school in a quasi haze with less hair and larger waist lines. Oh, and I'm not dis'in my friend, I was referring to myself LOL
I actually got to see him firstly with an accidental text message. He asked me at 1:00am if it was too late to visit. I was thinking it's too fricking late, I need sleep but didn't really word that text to say "please stay away". I am really glad I didn't. He stayed from 1:30 to 3:30 and we got to catch up uninterrupted by phone calls or kids wandering by with the odd question or showing off their stuff.
After a little bit of sleep, he came and picked me up and off we went. We had lunch at a pizza pub with some friends from high school the first day. His poor 21 year old daughter felt a bit out of the loop listening to us talk about people she will probably never meet, doing crazy things she didn't think we could imagine doing. Sometimes youth is wasted on the young.
After lunch, Jamie and I hung out at my house and we got to chat about his work some more and then he invited me to dinner with one of the gals we had lunch with and her kids at an all you can eat buffet. That was fun too, but mostly because we were teasing the teenagers and picking on Jamie. It was pretty much awesome, except the cricket on the table. Needless to say, I am not going back there for a while...
After dinner, Jamie graciously drove me over to my son's apartment so I could check on him. Just a mom worried about her adult child with a sinus infection. Then he drove around looking for apartment he used to live in. Which by the way, he did a good job of finding most of them. He did this last time he was in town. Looking at old haunts, remembering memories.
On the way home we even stopped by a lake that a whole group of us used to walk around after curfew on summer nights. Being teenagers and thinking we were all that. The lake was frozen so I got to stand in a spot I know I had not been before. If there were magical skates I would of stayed out all night skating under the stars.
The next day, he had to go visit his dad, the reason he is up here from the Lower 48. The cool thing though, is that I know he will be swinging by on his way out of the state and I might get to carousing with my youth again.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
SPRING Fever!
I think I have the beginnings of Spring Fever. I wanted to dance in the snow covered yard barefoot, because I had sunlight dancing through the living room windows. It is a feat because these are my north facing windows. The orbit of the planet is allowing me direct sunlight into my favorite room in the house. YAY
And for anyone wondering if I really did dance in the snow, my feet declined the invitation.
And for anyone wondering if I really did dance in the snow, my feet declined the invitation.
Monday, March 19, 2012
TLC
I got an impromptu invite to a big dinner today...the call came in around 8pm the previous night. Even being a short notice kind of thing, it was the best dinner get togethers I have had in a long time.
Saturday would have been my Grandmother's 83rd birthday, she passed away in 2000. My little cousin Tilo, who is 9, thought it would be nice to have a birthday party for the great-grandmother he never met. So his mom, my cousin Maria, made some calls and got herself cooking and we had a FEAST!
There was roasted turkey, corned beef and cabbage, potato salad, steamed veggies, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, stuffing and pineapple upside down cake, my Grandma's favorite.
It was a great afternoon being with my family. My mom, my aunt and her boyfriend, my cousin her husband and her 3 boys, my daughter and her toddler, my husband and my two little boys. Being with family is something that warms your heart and heals what ails you. It's something I need to do more often.
Saturday would have been my Grandmother's 83rd birthday, she passed away in 2000. My little cousin Tilo, who is 9, thought it would be nice to have a birthday party for the great-grandmother he never met. So his mom, my cousin Maria, made some calls and got herself cooking and we had a FEAST!
There was roasted turkey, corned beef and cabbage, potato salad, steamed veggies, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, stuffing and pineapple upside down cake, my Grandma's favorite.
It was a great afternoon being with my family. My mom, my aunt and her boyfriend, my cousin her husband and her 3 boys, my daughter and her toddler, my husband and my two little boys. Being with family is something that warms your heart and heals what ails you. It's something I need to do more often.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Moonsensical
Been playing with my rocks again. I always seem to get so freaking tired when I mediate with them, but as long as I use my powers for good, it should okay, right?
I had the coolest sensation when I was using my moonstone yesterday. It is flat and shaped into a heart, it looks so very opalescent, and it fits well between both hands. But I started to rub it. No real reason, I just started to rub my hands back and forth, each hand opposing the other in direction and the stone became very warm, nearly hot.
After I rubbed it for nearly a minute, I stopped suddenly. I kept my hands locked together and felt throbbing between my hands. The warmness of the friction and the beats from the rock made it feel for just a moment, that the stone was completely alive.
Just so you know a little about me, I am practical, almost too practical at times. I like order, in a sense, and to schedule things. But I can be spontaneous and I also like to believe there is more out there. I can be pretty open minded. That being said, I can believe that the friction from my hands cause the stone to warm to an usual level, and the throbbing I felt was my own heartbeat felt by my hands because of all the activity and stimulus I had preformed rubbing my hands together for so long.
Pretty plausible, except for the heart-rate of those heartbeats. I felt the throbbing for nearly 30 seconds after I stopped. My hands felt all buzzy from the friction but I felt the heartbeat through that buzzy feeling. And that heartbeat I felt was pretty regular, around 60 beats per minute, the rate of a resting adult, like myself. But then it dropped down to about half that rate and then back up to the speed it was at first. My 41 year old ticker is okay, I have had it checked before, but I am pretty sure my heart-rate does not drop down to an dangerously low level at any given time.
I know from reading, the moonstone has been venerated for thousands of years. It is considered an psychic stone and can help channel your abilities. It can help in a time of change. It helps women in nearly all phases of their lives from conception to childbirth. It is a very empathetic stone to help those in need.
It could be possible I unlocked something. I would like to hope I did. I love to help people, and I want to know more about life and others. Maybe me and my little moonstone will be using my power for good after all.
I had the coolest sensation when I was using my moonstone yesterday. It is flat and shaped into a heart, it looks so very opalescent, and it fits well between both hands. But I started to rub it. No real reason, I just started to rub my hands back and forth, each hand opposing the other in direction and the stone became very warm, nearly hot.
After I rubbed it for nearly a minute, I stopped suddenly. I kept my hands locked together and felt throbbing between my hands. The warmness of the friction and the beats from the rock made it feel for just a moment, that the stone was completely alive.
Just so you know a little about me, I am practical, almost too practical at times. I like order, in a sense, and to schedule things. But I can be spontaneous and I also like to believe there is more out there. I can be pretty open minded. That being said, I can believe that the friction from my hands cause the stone to warm to an usual level, and the throbbing I felt was my own heartbeat felt by my hands because of all the activity and stimulus I had preformed rubbing my hands together for so long.
Pretty plausible, except for the heart-rate of those heartbeats. I felt the throbbing for nearly 30 seconds after I stopped. My hands felt all buzzy from the friction but I felt the heartbeat through that buzzy feeling. And that heartbeat I felt was pretty regular, around 60 beats per minute, the rate of a resting adult, like myself. But then it dropped down to about half that rate and then back up to the speed it was at first. My 41 year old ticker is okay, I have had it checked before, but I am pretty sure my heart-rate does not drop down to an dangerously low level at any given time.
I know from reading, the moonstone has been venerated for thousands of years. It is considered an psychic stone and can help channel your abilities. It can help in a time of change. It helps women in nearly all phases of their lives from conception to childbirth. It is a very empathetic stone to help those in need.
It could be possible I unlocked something. I would like to hope I did. I love to help people, and I want to know more about life and others. Maybe me and my little moonstone will be using my power for good after all.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Anger...My Middle Name?
I have a terrible temper! I really do. But I am learning, whether it is tempered by age (I'm 41, and am beginning to have a little age cred) or something I have been taught over the years, to not have it explode like Mt Vesuvius in a torrent of words with no punctuation or paragraphs.
I successfully indicated to a woman, who has never met me, over the phone that I will be a very upset person if I became a lost phone message. I was very polite, I do not think I changed my volume by more than a hair and my use of grammar was better than my average chop at the father language.
Instead of waiting what I thought would be 30 minutes (did I mention I was a little impatient?), I received a call within 5 minutes of leaving said message.
What I really wanted to do was ripe that poor woman a new one. I was almost seeing those odd Picasso-ish red splotches floating in my visual field. But I realized that she was just a messenger and it was not her fault the whole department I needed to do business with was in a meeting.
Why you ask, would I need to lose my temper? I seem like a reasonable and possibly understanding adult who does not mind getting along with society. It is very simple: I have a sick kid who is in pain. My little wayward, waif daughter is hurting and has a fever. Yes, she is 18. Yes, she basically moved herself out of my house because she "is 18". Yes, I been eating that up like yesterday's humble pie.
But I had another pre-programmed impulse fire up engines. Yup, the Mommy Instinct moved in.
It's not often I use the Mommy Instinct to get things done right for my kids. But I really felt like a Mamma Bear just out of hibernation and ready to take down a forest to care for her. Now I get to take care of her, my poor baby. I bet you some of my nonexistent money that she feels just a little better being "home" again.
I feel better right now than I have felt in a little while. I am pretty proud I didn't follow my initial instinct, and I feel much more comfortable being able to follow a more familiar instinct. As always, this will be an interesting week.
I successfully indicated to a woman, who has never met me, over the phone that I will be a very upset person if I became a lost phone message. I was very polite, I do not think I changed my volume by more than a hair and my use of grammar was better than my average chop at the father language.
Instead of waiting what I thought would be 30 minutes (did I mention I was a little impatient?), I received a call within 5 minutes of leaving said message.
What I really wanted to do was ripe that poor woman a new one. I was almost seeing those odd Picasso-ish red splotches floating in my visual field. But I realized that she was just a messenger and it was not her fault the whole department I needed to do business with was in a meeting.
Why you ask, would I need to lose my temper? I seem like a reasonable and possibly understanding adult who does not mind getting along with society. It is very simple: I have a sick kid who is in pain. My little wayward, waif daughter is hurting and has a fever. Yes, she is 18. Yes, she basically moved herself out of my house because she "is 18". Yes, I been eating that up like yesterday's humble pie.
But I had another pre-programmed impulse fire up engines. Yup, the Mommy Instinct moved in.
It's not often I use the Mommy Instinct to get things done right for my kids. But I really felt like a Mamma Bear just out of hibernation and ready to take down a forest to care for her. Now I get to take care of her, my poor baby. I bet you some of my nonexistent money that she feels just a little better being "home" again.
I feel better right now than I have felt in a little while. I am pretty proud I didn't follow my initial instinct, and I feel much more comfortable being able to follow a more familiar instinct. As always, this will be an interesting week.
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