Stuck in a loop

Once again, I am stuck in a loop. I know, I have blogged about this before. But this time I think it is more of an event thing. Sadly I have not resolved very much in my mind yet, so more often then not, I sit at the computer, log into my blog and just sit at the screen thinking of topics to write - and nothing happens. I could get as far as clicking "New Post" but I tend to just stare at the screen. I have saved a couple of blanks but now I just hit the "Close" button and move on. Perhaps in a few short weeks I can either find better words to articulate how I feel, or feel unhindered about posting what I feel on my blog again. I hope it is a really short wait.

Time and Emotions

I guess I am still in a state of shock. I'm not really sure how I am feeling. Or if I am allowed to feel, for that matter. I am a pretty private person, I don't like my personal stuff put out there for just anyone. I know, a comedic statement coming from a blog page, but it does not change the fact that I'm going to express how I feel, rather than post about the exact cause for my ponderings. I actually think I want to cry, but I don't. I instead feel the tears of my loved ones around me. I guess that's a way for me to deflect my reactions. In a lot of ways the act of crying would seem a selfish act on my part. And I don't feel I am allowed to let me be selfish. Probably not ever. Of course guilt plays a part in that too. I could not let my feelings run so a muck without harboring some guilt. Letting guilt go is the usually prescription given to friends, loved ones and patients. But it is another matter entirely when you feel you are the one who should be carrying the chains. Stubborness that seemed so important in the beginning, a righteous bandwagon you thought was the only way; it all looks like broken sticks in a playground when you realize how wrong you may have really been. And no amount of glue or tape is going to put that back the way it was. I guess I may not cry, at least for a while yet. I know I have quite a path to travel. Working on that guilt is going to be a task, but sometimes not backing down from a challenge is one of my worst traits. After I am done with that guilt, I may look into the reasoning between selfishness and taking care of ones self first. Again, a road in rocky terrain. But why set the bar there? Why not allow myself to feel and cry. That may be a sweet and tender goal yet. I would like to be there; if only to be there to realize how important it is for me to be there. Time is going to be the factor. "It is my feeling that Time ripens all things; With time all things are revealed; Time is the father of truth. ". I guess Time will be my friend after all.

Finding Myself, Trying to Learn the Dance

Spending the night finding myself. It always seems to happen when I listen to the Meditation music on my Pandora. Sometimes I feel outright robbed. I know it is silly and there is no one person to get mad at, but once in a while I have to sit there and wonder why do I have to look so hard without guidance to 'find myself?' I am half Eskimo. My mom is from Norton Sound and I think that is pretty damn awesome. I love my less than averageness. And lately I have been looking into the more spiritual part of that culture. Let me tell you, it is such a hard and solitary task. There is information out there, but pulling it together is an arduous task. I am a very spiritual person. And not tooting my own horn, but I have been exposed to a lot of different Christian beliefs. I have a basic understanding from some pretty interesting angles, and I love to learn. But I got curious about what spiritualism and religion would of been like for my Great-Great grandparents and the people before them. What would they have felt as a connection to each other, the powers that control the Earth and Spirits around them? What would of their connection been to the land and the animals on it? That's the hard questions. I have been trying to find and read books written prior to 1920 to get a feel for how half of my genetic make up would of lived as a spiritual people. A lot of what I am looking for was 'cleansed' by the reigning religious beliefs of the area. They (the priest, nuns and teachers) came in and wanted nothing but to help the poor and unknowing, to help them find the love and enlightenment that they believed was in the best interest of the people. How can anyone really fault them? They felt in their own hearts the love and good they were doing, I actually think that is great. What is sad is the fact that they felt they had to 'erase' anything they deemed pagan or heathen. And that is the sad loss. Spirit beliefs and being one with the land is such a big subject. It's an interesting point of view to say the least. I love it. But do I really have an idea of what people from my family's neck of the woods spiritual beliefs would of been? Some of the information lumps the Canadian Inuit, Russian Eskimo and Yup'ik (Southern Alaskan Eskimos) ideas with other areas of Alaska. I am sure it was such a foreign concept to the first European or Russian observers that it was hard for them to see the fine lines of division between one group and the next. I won't judge. But I do wish I could of had a better connection with those before me. I wish I could ask them the deep questions of why things are the way they are. And how I can best serve myself and others as I plod along in this existence? Maybe I am looking for someone to tell me what my dreams mean and how I can keep feeling like a properly behaved human? It really does not matter why I am looking for answers to these questions and the millions of others. What matters is the connection I feel I have with my family and ancestors, I suppose. Those who came before me are the ones who created the sculpture I see in the mirror every morning, whether I had met them or not. They are the ones who taught their son's how to provide for the family, or the daughters on how to care for the young. They were the stepping stone for what I am today. I don't really question if I am worthy to walk among the living Earth, I just would like to know the steps to this dance sometimes, to make it more beautiful than it is.

Crown for the Lady

A little Top Shelf Crown to a Lady I never met. I would like to meet you one day, but will humbly enjoy the gifts you left. Thank you.

Citizen Rules

I love to read and research, and with the advent of the Technology Age I am totally in love with the idea of so much information at my fingertips. But I guess if you really want to learn and have complete knowledge, you need to read about the not so fun and cool stuff. I read the Indian Citizenship Act of 1924. The text of the 1924 Indian Citizenship Act (43 U.S. Stats. At Large, Ch. 233, p. 253 (1924)) reads as follows: BE IT ENACTED by the Senate and house of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, That all non citizen Indians born within the territorial limits of the United States be, and they are hereby, declared to be citizens of the United States: Provided That the granting of such citizenship shall not in any manner impair or otherwise affect the right of any Indian to tribal or other property." Approved, June 2, 1924. June 2, 1924. [H. R. 6355.] [Public, No. 175.] SIXTY-EIGHTH CONGRESS. Sess. I. CHS. 233. 1924. See House Report No. 222, Certificates of Citizenship to Indians, 68th Congress, 1st Session, Feb. 22, 1924. Note: This statute has been codified in the United States Code at Title 8, Sec. 1401(b). It boils down to, anyone born before June 2, 1924 was not considered a citizen of the United States of America, even if you were indigenous population born on American soil. That means my wonderful grandfather, Thomas Sagoonick, was not considered a U.S. Citizen for a time. That thought sucks. I don't know how that would of affected his life, I truly hope it did not. I had always known there were people who believed that any race but their own, typically of Eastern European decent, were beneath them or lacked what they considered intelligence. And they either took it upon themselves to 'better' the poor things or made the world a better place for themselves by segregation, or separating, these 'lowly' individuals from themselves. Hey, you are allowed to think and live as you please, you create the balance in your life and have to deal with your own decisions in the end. People will be people. I am thankful that there were people around who found that making this act into law was an important thing. I am also glad they revised and completely fixed the inadequacies of this Act and made the Immigration Naturalization Act of 1940 to include the indigenous peoples as complete citizens, basically regardless of of age. Those people and groups are to be commended on their hard work and finding a voice and sticking to it to make the intentions of our Founding Fathers into real reasoning. It is mind boggling to me that on my most deeply rooted side of my family tree, at one point my family was only considered a two generation American. Because of words on a paper, and points made by people who were deemed important at one time or another. You would think that my native heritage would of given me a firm foothold in this country, but it does not. At least legally, and on paper. Maybe if people behaved more like they would of when their mother was standing over their shoulder things would of been different. Maybe not. Who knows? But I know this, I think if the world learned to embrace more and not fear or hate, this little blue speck could get light years ahead.

Nothing dumber than expectations

I'm gonna Bah Humbug, I'm allowed, right? Good....

Valentine's Day. Yup I'm gonna go medieval on it's hinny, so hold on.

 Stupidest day ever. Hands down, a complete farce and commercialized drivel. Created by card companies to pad the new year since Christmas is such a long way away. Restaurants get into this gig too, two person lovey dovey specials to make you look good in front of your significant other.  Flower companies might even be the worst, making Commercials that air for two weeks or longer that tell you what kind of idiot you are for not ordering your flowers earlier. All of it is so self serving, so money based it takes the good name of Love and covers it in chocolate dipped dollar bills and tries to tell you advice on how to live in a relationship.

The only redeeming grace I have ever found in this 'holiday' is when one of my adorable children walk up to me with a mischievous grin on their face, holding something precious and dear behind their back, as the say Happy Valentine's Day Mommy. Because I know that the pure and untainted love they have for me is poured out on that little construction paper heart that they created with their own two little hands. That, that is Love. And restaurants, card companies and even a florist can't create that kind of Love. It's so unexpected and real.

I think, perhaps that most of my problems centered around Valentine's Day is the expectations. Expectations ruin more things than can be told on a mere blog. They suck, their hurtful and in general something that should not be encouraged. But it happens, and well it sends me into a furry of frustration that makes it hard for me to deal with. Maybe one day when I really am a grown up I can let stupid things like this just not even be a factor, and when that day comes I hope I blog about it. So I can go back and read about how much I have grown. But as for now, I'm not there yet.

Love, Faith and Believing

I have a gripe. And it's made me upset enough that I think I want to write about it. This gripe has to do about children. Your children. Those little people you brought into the world. Whether it was by accident, on purpose, after years of trying, those little beings you brought into the world. And I don't mean just the work done by the mother to bring a child into the world, I mean the work by the father too. To know you are creating life, and you get to have someone so special as your very own, is priceless. I have felt that way about every one of my children. Like they were perfect beings who could do no wrong. I would move a mountain for my child. I mean that literally. If I was told to keep my child alive I would have to physically move a mountain I would. I would do it metaphorically too. I would do anything, ANYTHING for my child.

I have faith too. I believe. I believe in love. I believe in making things that are wrong, right. I believe in sacrifices to make others happy, because in the end I will be happy too. I believe in others. Others have assets and abilities I don't, and others can fill the voids and deficiencies I have. I believe others can be as kind and loving and sharing as is needed for any given situation. I believe everyone can obtain this. Sometimes though, it's this belief in others that hurts me the most. I am the ultimate cheerleader for the human race. I believe my fellow beings can strive for all this and more.

How are these gripes? How can these feelings be a cause for grief for me? Well, broadly, because of who I am and what I believe. I put myself out there and believe in people. I believe people can love their child so much they would move mountains for them. I believe that love can conquer all. What I forget is that I can not instill my will and my desires on others and cause them to have those beliefs that I hold dear and true. I can not make others be selfless and caring and put others, namely their own children ahead of them. I can't, and that sucks.

I was in a situation where I would of gladly and with joy in my heart, opened my home to children. I don't have much, I don't travel to extraordinary places on wondrous vacations every year. I don't have a fancy car that gets perfect gas mileage and fits everyone with ease. I count my money carefully and think about what needs to be purchased and what does not. But I would have take in those children and love them for who they are. Taught them right from wrong, and maybe a few moral lessons of life. And if I was lucky, I would have learned from them too. I would have of moved mountains for them. But it took an act of God to keep me from doing so. And suspect that God knows that was the only way for me to not do it. I looked at it as a "maybe there is a better plan out there than the one I wanted". It took me a few weeks to get over it. That sucked, but I did.

So here is little me, feeling so guilty and brokenhearted for not being able to add to my family. Then I realize that as willing and giving as I may be, both parents of these children are not. They are not 'moving mountains' for them. Why? I hurts my heart to think that question. Why would they not? Children love you purely and honestly and you can't do what ever is in your power for them? Why? It would have been better that I could have taken in these children, but that was not in the plan.

Is the plan now for Mommy and Daddy to wake up? Why do they have to be slapped in the face to wake up? Why can't they just see the most important part of this story now, looking them in the eyes and only showing them love and joy? That is what I am struggling with. Something so pure and beautiful as a child's love and the utter lack of selflessness to do what it takes to be there for your child. I can't grasp my mind around it and truthfully I am so glad I am unable to. I don't even want to go down a path like that to just understand the concept. But still here I sit, my heart breaking a little for something I can't change. Learning another lesson on life about love, faith and believing: a lesson I know is hard to take but important to know, keep believing in love and faith even if others don't, that in itself is the very reason.

Recharging!

Today is Thursday. It's Thursday and my batteries are completely run down. I felt this way by Tuesday, but it was not even close to the end of the week and just kept pushing.

I had a super sick Grandson sent to the emergency room on Monday, along with juggling an appointment for my teenager, and driving my eldest son around on a paper gathering mission. I pushed off a meeting with my ParaBoss to top it off. That was Monday.

Tuesday, I was able to slow it down a little. That pushed off meeting with the ParaBoss, cleaning, and cleaning then some more cleaning. We had some missionaries over for dinner, so I whipped up 2 veggie dishes. Thank goodness George did the steak and mashed potatoes, I was freaking out over the orange carrots.

Wednesday I had planned on doing some nice quiet research in the library and maybe even sleep in a little: wrong. I woke up to my oldest son's phone alarm and grand-kids running around the house. After repeated attempts to wake him, I resigned myself to just taking care of the little boogers. I love them dearly but they get into mischief at lightening speed and spankings tend to ensue, making me feel like a very bad grandmother. So with my plans of a quiet afternoon researching dashed on the rocks of despair, I had hoped that I could find a small bit rest. My daughter came over with the other two grand-kids  It was not a bad night, I do love the little creepy crawly grandson, he has blue eyes and I am a sucker for blue eyes. I did get to watch my Ghost Hunters and kick back a bit. My daughter made dinner and I got to even visit with my youngest daughter! Maybe not such a bad thing, but chasing the infant around makes one tired.

Today is Thursday. I started the day deciding that I was not going to do as much as the last 3 days, I bolted out of the house after making sure my son was awake to take care of those wonderfully energetic grand-kids. I dragged my husband to the library. I had set a time limit of 2pm for the information I was looking for. I didn't find what I wanted, bummer but I got to go hang out at Loussac, I just love the Alaska Section! Thinking it would be nice slow day, my son's request for a ride to get more paper work done was important but draining again. I had the kids in the car with me while he spent an hour getting medical records and then I spent two toddler bathroom trips while he got his billing information taken care of. Thank goodness they took a nap, but driving 3 circles around downtown, oy.

I know, these lists look small, a little boring and sorta "so what", what I am not telling in the highlighting is the dishes, breakfast and lunch for toddlers, regular cleaning, hounding my kids about homework and shoveling and doing other chores, helping the husband with odd tasks, making sure we have dinner and other groceries on hand, paying attention to my kids, fun time with the toddlers and some time I have been making an effort of making for researching at home. Every day. I am not whining, just fluffing out the rest of the day for ya.

I caught a break tonight. My husband started up the grilled cheese dinner and I got to sit and eat. Until the toddlers started to fight. I blew up instead of running back to stop WWIII and ate my sandwich. Then locked myself in my room. I gave myself a girl night. I have not spent more than 20 minutes outside of this room for the last 6 hours. I did everything from eyebrow shaping to, putting on make-up for a new Facebook picture. It was great! I even got a couple cups of hot tea delivered. And wonderfully, two loads of dishes finished up.

Maybe tomorrow I can click my heels together and take a mini vacation to Oz ;)

Everything and Nothing

I feel restless tonight. It's been a fairly interesting week with some crazy highs and insane lows. And it's only Tuesday.

I did some silly writing and have been struggling with anything creative. I have been having fun and worrying like only a mother can. I feel so wanted, appreciated and I feel so ignored. I have felt completely shocked and caught unawares. I have also felt I like I have a complete and knowing understanding.

I can understand why I feel so restless, but I don't I mind. I get to explore my own thoughts and questions and find out new ideas every day. And I love it. I also get to rely on some of my tried and true tricks.

I know this post does not say much, but use your imagination and maybe it will speak the volumes I feel.

My "BIG" Chance

Here it is, I had that chance. You know, that 'big, once in a lifetime chance" we all get at some point in our lives? Oh, it happens to everyone, trust me.

Anyways, my big chance was to enter the life of a reality TV personality! Yes, little 'ole me. I had a phone interview, then I got a Skype interview. It was pretty exciting actually. I was glad I happened on the Skype interview, I didn't feel I did well over the phone, I will explain that one in a few moments. But yes, it was pretty exciting to have someone consider putting me on TV to entertain the masses, just like I do here, but possibly with at least 5 more people to entertain.

I am not sure if a camera would love me as much as a computer and screen though. I don't feel I am the 'photogenic' type. I let my baby sis take that job *wheetwhew* I let her get the brains too, but I kept all the funny sense of humor stuff to myself! HA! Yes, I realize I don't get to choose these things but it is fun to imagine them in my head, gives me a sense of power I know I don't really have. I didn't like my phone interview due to the fact that I am a people person. And I like to read facial expressions and hear the tone of their voice to really get a good conversation out of a person. If I can read you like a book, I can get you what you want faster, therefore make you happier and make me feel on top of the world.

But reality TV, the big American dream. I mean, come on, isn't that most people's dreams; to have their lives laid out for all to see? And get paid for it. Who can't love the idea of you losing your cool when something does not go right? And get  paid for that too! Yea, I sound like maybe it was not a good idea, but you never know until you try it.

Hehe, sadly I had spent the last two days moping about it after I heard I was not picked to be on the show. And I did try, trust me. I tried in all my sad little ways to become interesting. The producers, I can only surmise didn't want be because I could not be Mystical enough for them, that and I am too nice. Yup, you can be too nice.

To help you understand better, I will give you a little back story.

I joined a paranormal group last November. I flaunted some of my handy dandy research skills to use the computer for more information. It earned me a title in the office as the "Computer Guru" and "Computer Wiz Kid"  I could pull any manner of random or specified information and BAM! give them references with it if they wished. Everything from home remedies for the common cold to what that volcano in Iceland is really doing right now?

Well I joined the team to do some research and not one month later they get an offer to be on a pilot for a paranormal show. I don't claim an psychic abilities or any actual paranormal encounters, but I believe there is more out there than just us and what we have, and I want to see the proof of it. Why wouldn't a nice Alaskan gal like myself win a spot on such a cool themed show idea?


The Mystical part? Yes, I said Mystical. Trying for a spot on the pilot for an Alaskan based Paranormal show, I had a feeling each time she asked me about native stories and my beliefs she would of parted the Gulf of Alaska to get me over to her office to sign papers to be on the pilot of her show. If I had just fibbed that I used animal blood in sacred rituals or communed with ancestors over a smoldering fire while chanting ancient words, I know I would of been a shoe in. But I didn't. I could not help but tell her how city-fied I am. Born and raised in the largest city in the state. I like 24 hour convince stores. I know how to bowl. I can eat sushi with chopsticks. But I could not fib to fluff my 'personal resume'. And I am okay with that.

They don't want shows about honest gals who tell the truth, mostly. Or shows about people who want to make you feel better about yourself and just happens to be a nearly unique ethnic group. They want stuff that sells, like pregnant teenagers or women who have 20 children at once. I am happy enough to set about each day knowing I don't have to remember back stories so I can keep my lies straight; that I don't have to dress in clothes I don't find comfortable but need to wear or others won't recognize me for who they think I am. I am pretty chipper I don't have to let people into my head or heart just because someone thinks it will buy a bigger audience group. Yup, I am pretty okay with just being me and who I am and what I do on a day to day basis.

About this being my biggest chance...? I highly doubt it. There may be a person or two out there who are jealous, but don't be. Like I said before everyone gets a 'big, once in a lifetime chance'. You just have to keep your mind and heart open for those opportunities, and see them for what they really are. I think my once in a lifetime chance is really when I joined this group. I get to meet people who are opened minded and believe and are willing to learn. People who want to work with me on a daily, weekly or just monthly basis for a common goal. The TV show was not my once in a lifetime chance, it was just a possible adventure that may or may not of been cool. My real treasure is the adventure of learning and other people in my life; thank goodness I am not Mystical, huh?

20 Ways To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

20 Ways to maintain a health level of insanity:

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars; see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom, don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone ask you to do something, ask if the want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For smuggling diamonds"

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the Prophecy".

8  Dont use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk

10. Order the diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "To go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital. And ask "Why the poems didn't rhyme?".

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!".

18. When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!!".

19. Tell your children over dinner "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity... Share this message with someone and make them smile.

Sleeping in

Don't you love those mornings where you get to sleep in? I know I do, they are so relaxing and they seem to take their time. Nothing feels rushed or urgent, ahhh sweet Nirvana. It's at this point I wake up and look at the time on my phone, 5:40am. Yup, didn't sleep in again!

I am suppose to be up at 8am every weekday. I make sure the youngest has himself awake and conscience enough to find clothes that don't smell offensive and most of his winter gear find-able. I don't mind 8 in the morning, it's a good time of day to be sure. Some neat shows on TV can be found, it's quiet enough to just putz around on a computer, I can organize my day a little. It's great. I would rather wake up for my day at 9am but hey, what's an extra hour? What seems to happen about half the time however, is I wake up sometime between the 40 minutes it takes me to fall asleep at 1am and 6:30am, and by that range I mean my eyes pop open at 6:29 more often than not.

It's worse on days I know and plan on sleeping in, of course. On those days, I shoot for an whopping 11am laz-fest! Yea, right. I am up by 8, guaranteed. *sigh* I feel like Charlie Brown, as he is running up to that Football Lucy is holding, just knowing this time, yes this time, the ball will be there when I swing my foot to kick it. THUD!

Well Lucy, just to let you know. I would trust you. I know I would. I would be that Charlie Brown kid knowing that just this time, you will let me sleep in. But knowing I have a small edge of realism and doubt, I would bet money you will pull that damn ball away. I am just egging you on so I can get more stuff done. Zzzzz

Writing about myself

I have been watching my posts on both my blogs, http://duplicaterighting.blogspot.com/ and this one of course. I have been watching to see how many posts I put on each and comparing them, adding more on one when I feel the other is getting too far ahead. And I have come to a conclusion, I much prefer to write creatively than about myself or my silly thoughts.

I must be a little entertaining, people from my work places and friends in my life love to chat with me in person, so I am sure I am an okay read. But I find it hard to put myself out there. I don't feel that the humdrum stuff in my life would be any fun to read. No matter how I try to spin it, and obviously I don't get very deep, very often. I am shy about putting myself out there. I don't want to be judged or ridiculed, as most people don't. Of course I could learn to not care what others think, but somehow I don't think that is in my programming and it would be something that I would have to learn to do. And I believe I am okay with that at this point. The caring does allow me to help others, I love that so very dearly.

All this said, I need to make more of an effort of adding to this blog. My hope is have a better understanding of myself and learn a thing or two. And to make sure I don't let my creativeness run-a-muck and over power my self. :)

Evilness

Every once in a while I just wanna do something so dang evil! Doesn't everyone? I mean to just let go and lash out, all unsuspecting and unwarranted like... That sounds like fun sometimes. I think you have to have some sort of predisposition for it, but it maybe fun to try it out. If you don't like it, you don't have to sign up for the yearly subscription of Predisposition for Evilness. I mean, it may be a nice deal!

Why be mean and evil? I say why not? Don't you run into people who are mean, hateful and just touched with evil? They look like they are having fun, why can't we just go check it out too? Of course, I am assuming everyone who has read this blog (or not) is sweet, angelic and pretty much not from the dark-side  It's a mighty big assumption, but it makes my world easier to imagine, so we are just going to go with it.

Oh, and what kind of evil thing do you think I want to do? I am not much in a fight, I got home from school the one time someone called me out at school. I could try out some road rage, I am getting better at anonymously trying to cut people off, but I need to work on my stopping short and bird flipping. Of course, from what I see most people do their fair share of road rage, I may not be striving for some really good pure evilness from my list.

I want to think it's a great thing and now that I am sitting down thinking about what I can do, it does not sound entirely like too much fun.

I just may not be cut out to be mean and evil no matter how much fun or entertaining it may look, maybe I can just sit back and keep imagining the little scenarios in my head that I think are filled with meanness and call it a day.