Time and Emotions

I guess I am still in a state of shock. I'm not really sure how I am feeling. Or if I am allowed to feel, for that matter. I am a pretty private person, I don't like my personal stuff put out there for just anyone. I know, a comedic statement coming from a blog page, but it does not change the fact that I'm going to express how I feel, rather than post about the exact cause for my ponderings. I actually think I want to cry, but I don't. I instead feel the tears of my loved ones around me. I guess that's a way for me to deflect my reactions. In a lot of ways the act of crying would seem a selfish act on my part. And I don't feel I am allowed to let me be selfish. Probably not ever. Of course guilt plays a part in that too. I could not let my feelings run so a muck without harboring some guilt. Letting guilt go is the usually prescription given to friends, loved ones and patients. But it is another matter entirely when you feel you are the one who should be carrying the chains. Stubborness that seemed so important in the beginning, a righteous bandwagon you thought was the only way; it all looks like broken sticks in a playground when you realize how wrong you may have really been. And no amount of glue or tape is going to put that back the way it was. I guess I may not cry, at least for a while yet. I know I have quite a path to travel. Working on that guilt is going to be a task, but sometimes not backing down from a challenge is one of my worst traits. After I am done with that guilt, I may look into the reasoning between selfishness and taking care of ones self first. Again, a road in rocky terrain. But why set the bar there? Why not allow myself to feel and cry. That may be a sweet and tender goal yet. I would like to be there; if only to be there to realize how important it is for me to be there. Time is going to be the factor. "It is my feeling that Time ripens all things; With time all things are revealed; Time is the father of truth. ". I guess Time will be my friend after all.