I haven't written in forever. Well, forever in my little world. But I do that. I have spurts of 'gotta get it on paper' and then I have these long dry spells with nothing to add. I usually want to write when I am feeling overly silly or creative. It's not often I write due to the more common emotions of sadness, anger or love. I tend to be a rather private person about that stuff. I do use my silliness and humor to bounce off those common feelings, to sorta get over it and move on. I like to that I have been busy, though I may not really be. Busy people don't play 5+ hours of phone games a day, do they?
Any-hoo, I am feeling a little melancholy at the moment. I think it is a jumble of things that add to it. First and foremost is the weather. I love that we have mostly white on the ground, but really a couple inches before Thanksgiving is not going to cut it. I have seen snow like that blow away and reveal the lifeless brown grass underneath many a time. I need a good snow, the kind that gives a blanket to my world. Cleans it up, so to speak. Most people think Spring is the season for new beginnings, I say Winter is. It cleans up the world, gives her a new identity. You can plainly see her beautiful flaws and perfect landscapes. There is no practical hiding in Winter. In many ways it is such a warm and comforting season. You can snuggle close a your babe in your arms, sipping hot cocoa and reading a book as easily as you can take a walk to the edge of civilization and take perfect postcard pictures. Yea, I love Winter, a lot. But it's not Winter without the snow. I need more.
To add to my jumble is family. Oh, yes, that joyous conglomeration of people you either created or who created you, the ones you add on your own and those who seem to just drop in like a puzzle piece when you least expect it. Family is almost always a mixed bag. But always an important bag. I am constantly striving to please a parent, and fight that feeling that I need to please other humans with insane perfection. I am always trying to best a sibling, but show love and compassion like only a sibling can. I am always trying to parent children, even if they are adults, not an easy job. I never thought you would have to worry about adult children almost as much as you worry about them as kids. The plus side is I am on the cusp of Teenagerland at the moment, it's been a nice break. I had been the mom of a teenager(s) for 12 years...THAT is like forever in Parentingland and the break I have had in the last 10 months has been sorta nice. And the ones that are added in, they seem to make life that much more interesting. They make you want to cry and laugh, pull your hair out and beat the crap outta them, or they just make you feel that extra bit special. I love my extras, I would not trade them for the world.
I have the normal family craziness, but I decided that was not enough. I decided that I wanted to add more. In a past life I might have run an orphanage or boarding school, that would make sense to me and explain why I keep wanting to add to my brood. I am in the process of seeing if I can foster my cousin's daughters. I am pretty excited and happy about it but, I am also nervous. I know their life has not been the easiest nor the most normal (who is to say what is normal right? But I think they may have more abnormal then any child deserves). I worry that I could just make life more difficult for them, I like rules and weirdness. Creativity and silliness. Trying to be normal and then making it all fit around my idea of fun. I am not sure what I like to teach and create is something they would enjoy, if that makes any sense. Oh, I know, I am a good parent. I love kids, I love mentoring and teaching. But I think being a little nervous gives me an edge to stay on task. I guess I get to see how this adventure works out.
Holidays, oh yes holidays. The time where I like to add a little crazy to my craziness and see what happens. One Thanksgiving I threw a temper tantrum. No I didn't stomp my feet but I think dumping out the gravy in the sink and yelling was a little over the top. There was that Christmas where I was snarling at everyone and everything while wrapping presents at 3am but I think that is acceptable behavior for crazy people, right? Well I got Thanksgiving around the corner and I don't have plans, food or the house ready for it. I am not sure what to do. It is not the worst of my worries, and most likely one of the easiest to fix. I have having dinner at my house so I can get oodles of extra to live off of for a week.
I have been going through my own inner turmoil as well. Sometimes I feel as if I am standing on the edge of something great, something bigger than myself. Being able to see for miles in any given direction but no real idea of what direction I should go. I think the biggest part of this is the fact that I know I have choices. Knowing you can go in any direction is empowering, invigorating, and a bit scary. I could start new adventures, meet new people, do new things at any turn I choose. I tend to like to plan out stuff and know how things are going to happen, but most of these choices are complete mysteries to me. And wonderfully enough I think I am ready for adventure. But I do not feel the need to make a move right now. And that's okay too. I have a lot of patience, and I don't mind practicing that.
At any rate, enough babbling, maybe now I can find a way to write something creatively and post it on the other blog. Happy November
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