Ahhh the latest and greatest from one of the most advanced civilizations to grace the Earth, the possibility of the demise of Twinkies. I am actually very saddened that so many are losing jobs, and stores will be closing. In short, it really sucks. After losing our yearly income this last summer I need something funny, so this disclaimer being said, here goes.
It has been amusing to see the general public's reaction to the loss of this uniquely American treat. I have not touched the stuff since I learned to read ingredient labels, sometime between junior high and my 4th child, I get confused as to when I learned this skill, both events seemingly happening within mere months.
One, by the third sugar ingredient I figured, maybe it's not something I wanna feed myself or my kids. I mean, I feel bad adding sugar to my cereal, thinking that is over kill. Two, when I got to the second kind of fat in the ingredient list my little worry bells went off. Who uses beef fat in processed foods anymore anyways? Apparently Hostess does. And three, not only do the ingredients scare me, but the simple fact that you eat the first one and BAM! it's gone, that scares me..
You don't even remember chewing it, and it's completely devoured. You know the dog didn't eat it because you don't have a dog. At least this is how I feel. Then I would look around, making sure there isn't any persons of a magical nature waiting for me to eat the second one just to make it vanish. I would deliberately try to take slow bites and savor the filling. Most of the time, I do remember eating the second one but I also remember something else. I remember how sticky and greasy the little suckers are too. I mean how weird is that, you either eat something greasy like a pizza or something sticky like honey, not something with both tactile sensations at once. THAT is bizarre if you ask me, truly.
Aside from the strangeness of Twinkies, they have a kind of power. I mean I spelled it out about how the first one is ingested without thought, or even action; it just appears in your stomach with no effort from the consuming human. That kind of power should be awe inspiring, but it does not stop there. The real power, can, even in the most minute quantities, get a teenager to do physical labor. Seriously, it can! You guffaw? You snort in derision? Test it, I say. Try it out!
Get yourself an fairly healthy looking teenager, your own is preferable, then the neighbors won't call the cops on you. If you have to borrow one, please get the parents permission and I would sign some releases and such, just to prove you are not a crazy nut feeding snack treats to random mini-adults and be labeled an insane person. Okay, now that you have your handy human-in-training, you ask them to do some sort of strenuous or other undesirable labor that most adults can muddle through and not die from; like shoveling snow or taking the trash out. At most, you might get an excuse about an injured arm or a desperate need to do homework that is not due for a few more weeks; the subject knows very well they are going to put it off until the night before turning it in anyways. In the least, you will get an eye-roll, especially if you brought this being into the world. I recommend rolling those eyes right back at the subject, as they will need them for the next part of the experiment.
But if you take the SAME teenager and offer them a Twinkie, all you see are the cartoon clouds that spin chairs previously containing persons with no will to move. It would be a comical moment, if you were not being serious and conducting an experiment. It is less funny when you are using your own child for this test. You will ponder why you didn't try this earlier, then you like me, read the ingredients at one point and remember something about clogging arteries of children is frowned upon in most civilized societies.
I know this experiment sounds amazing, but really it is worth a try. And then after you see proven results, you can go horde your own collection of Twinkies. You never know when you want to redo the siding on your house or have to tear up and repair the yard for some underground sprinkler upgrades.
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